The Do’s and Don’ts
If you are adapting traditional vows…
-DO some digging. When you think of ‘traditional’ it’s easy to picture a Christian priest citing off the list of “do you promise to…” vows, but there are plenty of other wedding vow templates you can refer to. Whichever you choose to modify, treat the template like a mad-lib and fill in your own version of each promise, personalizing the vows specifically to your marriage.
-DON’T watch cheesy wedding movies for ideas. Most of them are totally inaccurate depictions of wedding ceremonies, and that could throw you off base. Instead, try to recall real weddings you’ve been to, real vows that moved you, and real married couples you know, whose promises to each other remain realistic in practice as in theory. When it comes time to work on your own version, keep it in the realm of the real.
If you are starting from scratch…
-DO make an outline before you begin writing. Sometimes the hardest part is figuring out where to start, so make things easier on yourself by jotting down some notes first. Sit down with a few pieces of paper and make three lists. For the first list, write down all of the qualities you love about your partner. Your guests, and particularly the person you marry, will want to know exactly why you are in love, so indulge them. For the second list, write down the duties you want to uphold as a spouse, hence the word ‘vows’ in wedding vows. For the last list, write down various topics you could use to tie everything together. You can focus on your fondest memories with your partner, your first date, or the moment you knew you were meant to be together, but try to choose something that will offer a kind of unity to your vows.
-DON’T wait until the last minute. Contrary to what you may think, exceptional vows are not typically written during the limo ride to the chapel. If you keep waiting for the ‘right’ words to come to you, you might not end up writing any. Don’t worry about impressing the crowd, don’t over-think your delivery, and don’t concern yourself with what the ‘right’ words should be. There are no wrong answers when it comes to love, so speak from the heart and don’t fret about the rest.
If you want to say “I do” to the same set of vows…
-DO work on them together. Since you will both have to agree to the same conditions when you say “I do,” you should both be involved in the writing process. Writing one set of vows for the two of you to recite back-to-back offers a nice symmetry, but it could also make the task of writing your own vows a more romantic project. (Not to mention, it could save you from becoming the one nagging, “have you finished your vows yet?”)
-DON’T get discouraged if you and your partner find it difficult to come up with promises that apply to both of you. It may be beneficial to ask a friend to help, someone who knows you both well, but who can offer an outsider’s perspective. You might also want to consider asking another married couple for tips. Personal vows can be much more intimate than those written for any other couple, so if you have decided to write your own, don’t give up if you get off to a rocky start. You’ll get the hang of it soon enough.
